Cinescape have a new strategy...

...which is to replace their nonsensical paragraphs with nonsensical one-liners...

Kandasamy - Tamil (No Arabic Subtitle) : Movie Kandasamy is all about black money, hawala money, Swiss bank accounts and one mans mission to bring it all back to where it belongs…..

What the fuck is "black money"? I know there's a "black money SCAM", which is a "scam where con artists attempt to fraudulently obtain money from a victim by persuading him or her that piles of banknote-sized paper in a trunk or a safe is really money which has been dyed black (e.g. to avoid detection by customs). The victim is persuaded to pay for chemicals to wash the "money" with a promise that he will share in the proceeds."

Ok. So what the fuck is hawala money? And what does it have to do with Swiss bank accounts?

Daddy Cool - Malayalam (No Arabic Subtitle): The story revolves around the bond of a father and his only son who is very passionate about cricket.

And..? Is that it? This sounds like the most boring movie ever. Let me take a shot at it:

So the father is slightly neglectful of his kid. The kid's obsessed with cricket. The father has some work-related problem and doesn't have time for the kid. The father gets fired, then has all this time to spare. He then starts to play cricket with the kid, and they bond. There you are. No need to shell out 2 KD.

Oh, and they dance, probably.

And this from the Arab Times today, which is just plain hilarious...

2 held in "shaking" car: Police have arrested an Egyptian man and a Filipino woman for committing immoral act inside a car in Sabah Al-Salem, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily
The lovers were caught by a police patrol on routine duty in the area. A security source said the patrolmen saw the parked car shaking although no one could be seen from a few meters away.
A police officer walked up to the car and saw the couple in a compromising position.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

Fascinating, and true.

By Brandon Griggs
CNN

(CNN) -- Facebook, for better or worse, is like being at a big party with all your friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.

There are lots of fun, interesting people you're happy to talk to when they stroll up. Then there are the other people, the ones who make you cringe when you see them coming. This article is about those people.

Sure, Facebook can be a great tool for keeping up with folks who are important to you. Take the status update, the 160-character message that users post in response to the question, "What's on your mind?" An artful, witty or newsy status update is a pleasure -- a real-time, tiny window into a friend's life.

But far more posts read like navel-gazing diary entries, or worse, spam. A recent study categorized 40 percent of Twitter tweets as "pointless babble," and it wouldn't be surprising if updates on Facebook, still a fast-growing social network, break down in a similar way.

Combine dull status updates with shameless self-promoters, "friend-padders" and that friend of a friend who sends you quizzes every day, and Facebook becomes a daily reminder of why some people can get on your nerves.

Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus.

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Maddening Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.

Ramadan Cream y'all

While browsing my blog stats today, I came across a very interesting piece of information. A whopping 60 % of people who access my blog are in fact people who are obviously googling images of sexy schoolgirl sluts, and they end up with a link to my post entitled "The (Not So Weekly Anymore) Ten" where I used an image of, you guessed it, a sexy schoolgirl slut. And she's not even naked! Moving on...

Youth caught blackmailing his girlfriend:
Police have arrested an unidentified youth for blackmailing his girlfriend, reports Al-Rai daily.
The arrest came following a complaint filed by the girl with the police. According to the complainant the suspect invited her to spend some time him and when she refused, he allegedly threatened to post her lewd pictures on the website.
When police arrested the youth, they found the victim’s pictures on his laptop computer.

So, wait a minute - they had a problem with the blackmail, but not with the fact that she is his girlfriend? And that he has lewd pictures of her on his laptop? And that they HAVE SEX. What fucking hypocrites. Regardless of anyone's personal opinion on the matter - the law is the law. And if the law in Kuwait states that you are not allowed to have sex before marriage, and that it is considered an "immoral" act, you can't go around and arrest people for having sex and then turn a blind eye when there are "lewd" pictures on the guy's laptop! For fuck's sake - and notice that they left out the nationality.

Also, this article serves as a warning for women not to withhold nookie.

Nice, Arab Times. I think they might've bought themselves a brain cell or two. That's all for today, I can't be bothered with anymore.

Random Pickpockets and Jordanian "Traps"

Just another day at the Arab Times...

Pickpocket robs Kuwaiti: Police are looking for an unidentified pickpocket for stealing KD 750 and IDs of a Kuwaiti man, reports Al-Rai daily.
The incident took place in the waiting room of the Farwaniya Hospital.

Firstly, how difficult is it to steal 750 KD? Pretty damn difficult, considering the highest bill we have in Kuwait is a 20 - that makes 750 KD a sizable stack of notes. Either this guy was asleep, or he dropped his money. Either way, how are the cops looking for an "unidentified pickpocket"? I can tell you the result of the investigation now, if you like, using my psychic powers - which I like to call common sense.

‘Hot’ scenes found on Bangladeshi lover’s cell phone: A Bangladeshi man, whose identity has not been disclosed, has been arrested by police for trespassing into a private property with the intention of having sex with a maid, reports Al-Shahid daily.
The daily quoting security sources said the Kuwaiti owner of the house called police when he saw the man walking towards the maid’s room. A few moments later when he tiptoed to the room he heard the maid and the man giggling and called police.

When police arrived the Bangladeshi and the Filipino maid were caught in a compromising position. It has also been reported the Bangladeshi had filmed on his cell phone ‘hot’ scenes between him and the maid.

How the fuck is the title of this article at all a representation of the article itself? Shouldn't it have been "Bangladeshi lover nabbed in sex break-in" (which is probably the best the Arab Times could do - well, second best, considering the title they finally went for). I mean, "Hot scenes found on Bangladeshi lover's cellphone" implies that the guy may have dropped his phone somewhere, and some nosy passer-by picked it up and found the videos. It does not, however, imply that the guy broke into a house and had sex with the maid, then AFTER authorities arrested them, they found "hot" scenes on the phone. Am I going insane?

Also, why did the owner of the house "only" call the police when he saw the man walking towards the maid's room? Surely breaking and entering is a gross violation of the law. What, was he waiting to see what the guy would do? What if he had set the house on fire - what if he had a gun?

What a fucking idiot.

Kuwaiti in Jordanian’s ‘trap’: A 24-year-old Kuwaiti man has been arrested by the Jordanian police in connection with a traffic accident in Amman, reports Al-Dar daily.
However, according to available reports it is the Jordanian who collided with the vehicle of the Kuwaiti from the rear. The car of the Jordanian then hit a road barrier and went up in flames.
The Jordanian has been reportedly admitted to a hospital although he is not suffering from any injuries. The brother of the victim also said the Jordanian is demanding money for his car although according to a police report and eyewitnesses the accident was caused by the Jordanian.

This article makes no sense, although you can see that our resident moron friends at the Arab Times are attempting to be sympathetic to the Kuwaiti - hence the title. Where exactly is this "trap" they speak of?

So the guy was rushed to hospital after his car went up in flames? BIG FUCKING DEAL. Isn't that what usually happens all over the world? It even happens here in Kuwait! And how the fuck would the Arab Times know that the guy didn't have any injuries? EVEN IF THERE WERE NO VISIBLE INJURIES YOU STILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER A CAR ACCIDENT, ESPECIALLY ONE WHERE YOUR CAR BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

And, in Jordan (as well as everywhere else in the world), when you hit the rear of a car it is always your fault. Always. And this is what the investigators in Jordan will find. Whether or not the guy's brother is asking for money doesn't matter. Its still the Jordanian's fault. The article conveniently leaves out what the Jordanian authorities rules, and of course, we won't hear anything else about it, right?

Why try and put a controversial spin on something that is not at all controversial? Are you trying to sell more copies, Arab Times? Fuck off.


All live chickens stolen: Police are looking for unidentified person who allegedly broke into a poultry shop inside the Firdous Cooperative Society and stole live chickens worth KD 230, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily.

It has been reported when the owner of the shop came to work he was shocked to find one of the birds outside the shop and the bird cage empty.

As I know it, most Co-Ops in Kuwait are open 24/7, right? A luxury indeed... however, did no one notice some strange fucker holding a cage full of live chickens? And walking out the door no less? Even if the poultry shop was closed, the rest of the co-op must have been open.

Idiots in Aqaba

Dearest Readers,

While I do not presume that there are many of you out there who read my mindless babble, I shall nevertheless continue to feed my ever malnourished ego and pretend that you are in the millions.... mwahahahahahahaha (end evil laugh).

Therefore, I am announcing, with tearful reminiscence, that Idiots in Aqaba is no more. For the time being. Why blog about one city, when you can blog about a whole country full of idiots?!

Stay tuned for Idiots in Jordan, coming soon to a screen (that you are most probably paid to be working on) near you.

In the meantime, enjoy Idiots in Kuwait, and please continue to send your prayers out to Idiots everywhere, mostly concentrated at the Arab Times building.

I wish I was a translator...

... because I'd have made millions by now, if only Cinescape had half a brain...

Badal Fakeed (Arabic): The film about the twin brothers where each one of them grew up in a different environment. The first one got a dopted by a lady dancer and lived in a poor area, while the second one was adopted by a good family. The first one grow up to be a drug dealer but the second one became a police officer.

God this one sounds so familiar. Have I mocked it before? Perhaps. Let's have another go.
So they're twins separated at birth. What a simple, simple sentence. One of them's been adopted by a lady dancer (i.e hooker), and the other guy got adopted by a good family. Lo and behold, the two are to confront in a world full of lies and deceit, where the twin brothers are on opposite sides of the law. Who will make it out alive?

Who gives a shit.

Dokan Shehata (Arabic): Shehata is the son of farmer who opened a fruit shop and was named after his son Shehata. Shahata suffering from the influence of his brothers and their bad treatment which end up in tragedy. The film discusses the problems and the bad situations which affected the community.

Hold on. Shehata is the son of farmer who opened a fruit shop and was named after his son Shehata. What the fuck? That makes no sense at all. Are both the father and son named Shehata? The fruit shop is definitely named Shehata. Are these people morons? Then, Shehata (I have no idea which Shehata it is at this point), suffers from the influence and bad treatment of his brothers (who are most probably called Shehata), with everything inevitably ending up in tragedy - with, of course, the staple Egyptian subplot of "discussing" bad situations that are affecting the community - naturally masked by horrendous camera work and below-par soap opera acting.

Also, check out Cinescape's poster for the movie in comparison with the poster above. Notice the big-titted woman. Painfully ironic - or just plain pathetic.

I can't fucking wait.

Porn Education/I love Kuwait

Totally unrelated, but equally amusing...

School warned for showing porn to students

KUWAIT CITY : Department of the Private Education has sent an official warning to a foreign private school for showing some of its students a video containing pornographic material under the pretext of sex education, reports Arrouiah daily.
According to sources, this step by the department had received mixed responses from MPs. While some parliamentarians have demanded the closure of the school, others have approved of the action taken by the department, calling it “adequate and satisfactory”.

Let me begin my unabashed criticism of the above article/actual incident by providing a definition of "pornography" (albeit according to the first online dictionary I could find):

• Main Entry: por·nog·ra·phy
• Function: noun
• Etymology: Greek pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from pornē prostitute + graphein to write; akin to Greek pernanai to sell, poros journey — more at fare, carve
• Date: 1858

1 : the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
2 : material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
3 : the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction pornography of violence>

From this definition we can deduce that a sex education video depicting actual intercourse (such videos exist, of course, in many countries around the globe), cannot be classed as "pornography" because ultimately, their main intention is to educate - and any sexual excitement resulting from the videos is unintentional.

Our friends at the Arab Times, and perhaps the powers that be, may not have spent two minutes on google like I did, and of course may not have found such an explicit (pun intended) definition for porn, and, of course, they jumped all over it like it was Michael Jackson's satan-worship memorial at Marina Beach.

I think the Arab Times should open an investigative reporting department. Oh, wait, they already have one.

In other news:

Most serious traffic violations committed by residents

KUWAIT CITY : According to recent statistics, the most serious traffic violations are committed by resident expatriates, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily.
In a report published by the General Traffic Department, it was seen that 16,603 traffic violations were cited to expatriates in the month of July, while Kuwaiti citizens were issued 5,765 citations.
Security sources added the department would continue its ongoing efforts to bring down the rate of traffic law violations in the country.

This article can be labeled "just plain ridiculous" based on the following facts (yeah, I'm in that kind of mood today):

According to the 2007 national census, the population of Kuwait was estimated to be anywhere in the region of 3 - 3.5 million. Let's compromise and presume that its 3.25 million.

In addition, the census states that approximately 68.4 % of the population are expatriates. Although, in my opinion that figure is a gross underestimate. But whatever, let's play along.

(Getting my calculator out).

That means that 2.223 million are expatriates, and 1.277 million are Kuwaiti. Are you following me?

Naturally, expat traffic violations will exceed Kuwaiti traffic violations simply because expats constitute almost 70 % of the population.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing Kuwaitis and supporting expats, nor am I doing the opposite; I think anyone who fucks around on the road should be given a ticket. However, I think that there is absolutely no good reason for the Arab Times to publish such a useless article. It's not even interesting, like, say an article that states that 72 % of Hardees customers are Kuwaiti. Who gives a shit?

AND, if you do want to mention such useless facts, tell the whole story. One day, not too long ago, I cracked my windscreen. On my way to Shuwaikh, I got 2 tickets for the same cracked windscreen, because apparently I'm not allowed to drive around with one. I even showed the second cop my first ticket, and all I got was a lousy "Mali shughol".

What's the deal, yo?

Also, check out the title of the article. It says that the "most serious" traffic violations are committed by expatriates - then it goes on to give the total number of violations committed by expatriates and Kuwaitis in the month of July. Are there only the "serious" violations, or just the regular ones? Can anyone else see the dumbass ambiguity?

I Heart Cinescape

You've got to love these guys.

This is probably my 50th post about the stupidity of their movie synopsis page, and they persist, like a two legged dog trying to get up a hill. Respect.

This week, playing at a Cinema near you....

Bob Bos (Arabic): The film talks about a businessman, who is known in his community and has a economic and political connections, but he suffered financially due to the economic crisis that crippled the world and he can not pay his debts to the banks. At the same time, there is a business lady called "Mutaza", who also suffers financially, and she unites with the businessman, after the convergence of their interests, and both are trying to get out of this impasse.

This sounds like a fucking business presentation, and the most boring movie ever. How can you mention the financial crisis twice in the same sentence (and three times in a paragraph) and still have the balls to call yourself entertainment? Count. Me. Out.

Love Aaj Kal (Hindi): Synopsis Jai and Meera are modern-day couple living in London. They are very happy together but do not believe in tying each other down. So when life pulls them in different directions, they decide to go with the flow. "These Heer-Ranjha, Romeo-Juliet type Janam janam ka saath type couples exist only in story books", Jai says. In the real life, we have to be practical.

What would be the alternative of a "modern-day couple"? A medieval couple? Also, what the fuck is a heer-ranja, romeo-juliet type janam janam ka saath type couple? Why is there a need to write "type" twice? Is anyone even listening?

Ramadhan Mabrouk Abu Elalamein (Arabic): Arabic language teacher named Ramadan, which plays his role Mohamed Heneidy .. through his relation with school, students and parents to explode many problems, issues and positions with a satirical comedy.

Is he an explosives expert? What the fuck does "explode many problems" mean? Does he aggravate students and cause problems? If so then why is he still a teacher? Is he secret service? What the fuck is going on here?

Omar Wa Salma 2 (Arabic): In this part Salma plays the role as normal every day wife, a different side of her in the first part, while Omar misses old days of bachelorhood which leads him to an emotional relationship with Merhan which she works in his father company but Salma finds out about his relation and she asked for the divorce. Salama asks to move out from thier palce into a new apartment but the new place full of single ladies.

Firstly, that has to be the longest sentence I have ever seen. But you know what, lets give it a chance. So Salma is a normal, everday wife (??). A different side of her in the first part? Do they mean Omar Wa Salma 1 (as I presume there is one, given that this one is a sequel). She was different in the first movie. Ok. In the meantime Omar is missing being single, which leads him to cheat with a slut named Merhan, who works for his dad. Ok. So Salma finds out and asks for a divorce. Cool. Then - wait a minute - they move out from their place into a new apartment but the new place is full of single ladies. (??)

So Salma wants a divorce - why would she want to move ANYWHERE with the cheating scum Omar? And why would their new place be full of single ladies? In what world do these people exist?

Wow I got a little carried away there. Plus, I think that having given away the entire plot in the synopsis and the poster implying a comedy, we can all deduce that Salma will inevitably get over the cheating, and the single ladies (or become friends with them), and they will live happily ever after, or until some fucking moron decides to make "Omar wa Salma 3", at which point I suggest that they both die halfway through the movie. What? It would make an interesting plot-twist.

Don't waste your money.

Top 10 funniest things people Google and end up finding my blog...

No bullshit.

10 - "bad sabah hospital experiences kuwait"

9 - "does ringomax works from kuwait"

8 - "police caught filipina in doha"

7 - "teen crossdressers"

6 - "baby playgroups in kuwait"

5 - "brothels of kuwait"

4 - "kuwait sex blog"

3 - "i got a filipina pregnant in kuwait"

2 - "2007 gang rape or filipina in kuwait"

1 - "prostitutes in kuwait"

DUDE... someone open a bar already...

Sheep, really.

Don't ask where I've been.

2 held in sheep theft: Two Kuwaiti citizens were arrested for stealing sheep from a farm in Jahra, reports Arrouiah daily. The two thieves were traveling in a Suburban and became flustered when security officials stopped their vehicle and asked them for identification. The officers then searched their vehicle and found the sheep. The thieves confessed to their crime and were referred to higher authorities.

How fucking hard is it to find a sheep in a vehicle? Did they actually have to conduct a search? How long did it take them? And did the sheep lie still and motionless the whole time? Was the sheep in on it? I guess we'll never know.

Kuwaiti Held in double murder case: The Criminal Court on Sunday set Sept 6, 2009 to listen to the argument of the defense lawyers in a case filed against a Kuwaiti man, identified as *********, who has been charged with the premeditated murder of his Egyptian wife and mother-in-law. Case files indicate on Aug 18, 2008, the suspect went to the house of his wife’s aunt at the suburb of Ardhiya to pick up his brother-in-law, claiming his mother-in-law wants his son to visit her at her house in Sabah Al-Salem area. Upon arriving at his mother-in-law’s house, the suspect took a Kalashnikov and fired at his wife and her mother. He then turned to his brother-in-law and shot him three times. The latter narrowly escaped death as the suspect missed his target and the gun ran out of ammunition.

After discovering the crime, the suspect’s brother hurried to the scene where he found the old woman still alive. She allegedly told him his brother fired at her and her daughter. He told police that the suspect killed his wife and mother-in-law as he got suspicious of their behavior. However, the suspect’s sister later said that his brother’s suspicions were baseless. The suspect’s eldest brother, who is a police officer, handed him over to the authorities, along with the murder weapon.

Ok, so firstly - where did the guy "take" the Kalashnikov from? Was he hiding it under his seat? A Kalashnikov is a pretty big gun. And the other guy just stood there while his brother in law shot everyone else - THEN shot him. AND he "missed his target", apparently, then he ran out of ammo. I think we need to speak to KNCC about the quality of action film we get here.

And finally...

Doctor Abused, Beaten: A man who was reported to have physically and verbally assaulted a Kuwaiti doctor in Jahra hospital has been taken into custody. Securitymen received information about the incident and rushed to the hospital where the suspect was hiding at the roof. He tried to escape but the officers successfully arrested him. He was referred to the authority concerned for investigation, while the case was registered.

Ok, so I'm going to assume, against my better judgment, that the grammar in this article is flawless. So my assumptions would lead me to believe that there is a bar/club/restaurant/shawerma place called "the roof" - I mean, it would have to be, if he was hiding "AT" the roof, right?

If I assume that the grammar is incorrect (and, consequently, that the guy who wrote it is an idiot), then I shall wonder - Why the fuck did this guy hide on the roof? In what part of his thought process did he think, "hmmm, I think I'll go up to the roof, they won't get me there".

I'm back bitches. No, really this time.