Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Somersaulting Cars

KUWAIT CITY, Sept 15: Several traffic accidents were reported Tuesday in different parts of the country, resulting in the death of two Kuwaitis and an Egyptian, as well as injuries to others.
According to security sources, the Operation Room at the Ministry of Interior received information about a vehicle that somersaulted in Mubarak Al-Kabeer. Securitymen and paramedics rushed to the location but the driver of the vehicle — a 25-year-old Kuwaiti employed at the National Guard — already succumbed to his wounds prior to the arrival of the rescue teams. His remains were referred to Forensics.

This guy must be a fucking superhero if he can get his car to somersault. Either that, or the Arab Times staff are fucking idiotic morons. I'd go with the latter.

In other news...

‘Pervert’ sought: The Salwa police are looking for an unidentified Internet hacker for threatening to publish the pictures of an unidentified young woman on a website if she refused to spend time with him on a web cam, reports Al-Shahid daily.
The woman complained to her mother and the latter filed a case with the police.

So wait, the Mom turned a blind eye (or was oblivious to) her daughter sending this freak her nude pictures, but she's totally ok with it being published in a newspaper?

Teen blackmailed for theft: A 16-year-old Kuwaiti has filed a complaint with the Kaifan Police Station accusing two persons of assaulting and blackmailing him, reports Al-Rai daily.
In his complaint to the police the victim said the two men have filmed him while breaking into a car and stealing the valuables.
He says now he has realized his mistake and wants to li
ve a normal life but the duo are threatening to publish the clip on a website if he refused to steal from cars.

Sure, freak, you want to live a normal life now? And since when are people in Kuwait so obsessed with YouTube?? It seems every other story has to do with someone threatening someone else and then posting shit online. Seriously, how many people are going to search for "Kuwaiti car thief"?? Or even "Nude girl in Kuwait". Actually, I might search for the latter, but whatever, it's besides the point.

What I'd really like to know, though, is how this fucker got started. He wasn't blackmailed the first time, obviously - he did it out of his own free will. So now he's had a change of heart. Boo fucking Hoo.

Jahra fire suspect jail continues

KUWAIT CITY, Sept 14: The Detention Renewal Judge on Monday extended for 14 days the detention of a Kuwaiti woman, identified only as Nasra, who has been charged with setting fire to a wedding tent at the suburb of Oyoun, Jahra on Aug 15, 2009.
During the session, the woman’s lawyer requested the acquittal of his client as she is a Kuwaiti, hence, she will neither escape nor affect the case procedures.
The woman claimed one of her husband’s relatives had sent her pills to abort the baby while she is detention. Her lawyer had asked the judge to refer her to the hospital to prove her claim.

When she appeared before the Criminal Investigations Department (CID) and Public Prosecution, the woman admitted that she went mad after discovering her husband’s plan to marry another woman. She then threatened him but he pressed ahead with his wedding plans. On the day of his wedding, she took a taxi from her family’s house in Rabiya, went to a petrol station to purchase petrol and headed to the wedding tent. She poured petrol on the sides of the tent, sent it on fire, hurried back to the taxi and returned to her family’s house. The fire killed more than 40 women and children and caused serious injuries to several others.

He wants her acquitted from the case because she is a Kuwaiti. That's all I read in that sentence. Seriously, what the fuck does "She will never escape nor affect the case procedures" mean? Do Kuwaitis not have passports? Can they not obtain visas? CAN THEY NOT FUCKING LEAVE THE COUNTRY?? How many times do you read the words "sentenced in abstentia" in the Arab Times? ALOT. Therefore this murdering cow is as much of a flight risk as the fly slowly crawling up my leg.

Also, "she will never escape"??? Is that a promise, Mr. Lawyer man? Like, I promise I'll never eat Twinkies ever again. I promise I'll never ever tell a lie. Yeah right, fucker. Go back to law school.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cool Stuff

Dear Readers,

As the owner of this blog, I have made the executive decision to provide you with more than just endless bashing of those inferior to my intellect (yes, Arab Times and Cinescape, I mean you). Therefore I have decided to add more posts about general interest, sometimes relating to Kuwait, other times not - all for your entertainment. And for free, might I add.

So, my unrivaled kindness to humanity shall commence with this...

Which is a ridiculous blog with pictures and news reports about Footballer's Wives. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out, as well as put my trainers on and go out for a run, in the hope of some day playing for [insert shitty Arab football club here] and having my trouble flash her tits out on the internet.

Ah, life.

More Sheep.

Looks like the cops are on a roll with these damn sheep thieves...

Sheep thieves caught: The night squad arrested two persons for allegedly stealing sheep from farms in Jahra, reports Al-Anba daily.
Police were acting on a tip off about the suspect.
The suspect later admitted to several crimes and has been referred to concerned authorities.
In another unrelated incident, Jahra police arrested two bedouns for allegedly stealing sheep from farms, reports Al-Watan daily.
The two suspects were arrested while trying to sell their haul at a market.

"In another UNRELATED incident, more sheep were stolen."

Grandma gets boy - Mom a trafficker

KUWAIT CITY, Sept 12: In a strange case a Kuwaiti grandmother was summoned by the Farwaniya Police Station to take ‘custody’ of her five-year-old grandson because the toddler’s mother is expected to be referred to the Drugs Prevention Department for possessing three grams of heroin, reports Al-Anba daily.
The daily added the mother is also wanted by law in connection with a theft case.
According to security sources the woman was arrested by the Farwaniya police outside the Khaitan public garden as she walked to her car with her son.
The same sources said police asked the woman to show her ID and a check on the computer showed the woman was wanted by law. She was taken in a police car to the police station and later police seized from her three sachets of heroin.

Do the Arab Times staff know how to use quotation marks? Its like that scene in "Friends" where Ross is trying to explain to Joey how to use them. Is the word "custody" meant to be ironic in this article? Like, damn, hahaha, the grandma took "custody" of the kid, hahaha, even though we all know she's going to throw him out onto the street as soon as the police station's out of sight. Hahaha.


And how disturbing is this? (For several reasons)

Baby found near mosque: A worshipper at Mohammad Al-Mutairi Mosque in Sabah Al-Nasser found a new-born baby girl near the mosque during Al-Fajr prayer Saturday.
Securitymen rushed to the scene immediately after receiving a call from the worshipper. They quickly took care of the baby as they discovered she was hungry but in a stable condition. This incident has prompted the security chiefs to deploy patrol teams near the mosques to avoid recurrence of such a phenomenon during night prayers.
A case was registered and investigations are underway to identify the baby’s parents.

"They quickly took care of the baby"... what the fuck does that mean? Did they breastfeed it? Did they change its diapers? And how exactly do you "take care of something quickly"? Unless its like, an e-mail you've already typed out, and all you have to do is click "send". Or if you're dying to take a piss. But even that's not quick. Taking care of a baby? Doubt it.

And finally...

7 people arrested: Police have arrested seven people in connection with criminal and civil cases. The suspects were caught by the Night Patrolmen on the Coastal Road in Mangaf, reports Al-Seyassah daily.
According to security sources, police have set up checkpoints at various places in Mangaf and Abu Halifa to minimize crime and maintain law and order.
The arrested include — three Bangladeshis, one Indian and one Egyptian and two others whose nationalities are not given. All those arrested are aged between 30 and 40 years. The suspects were referred to the concerned authorities.

This has to be the most ridiculous, pointless report in the history of the Arab Times. Shame on you guys, seriously. This is way too easy.

The police arrested seven people of various nationalities for various crimes today. I went to the supermarket to buy various things for my various fridges today. I went to the toilet to expel various excretions.. well, you get the point.

Donald Rumsfeld comes to mind: "We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." –on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

He's out of a job - why don't you hire him, Arab Times? At least he was funny. In a war-criminal kind of way, anyway.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Cinescape are a time machine.

Now Showing at Cinescape (as of September 8th, 2009):

Mr. Woodcock (2007)

First Snow (2006)

Nomad The Warrior (2005)

New in Town (2009)

Even Money (2006)

The Life Before her Eyes (2007)

Space Station 3D (2002)

What Just Happened (2008)

GI Joe: The Rise of The Cobra (2009)

Solstice (2008)

So, when only 2 of the 10 Hollywood (supposedly) films you're showing are actually new, how can you call yourself a decent cinema company?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Soap: not lethal.

Kuwaiti student disqualified: A Kuwaiti studying at the Sixth of October University in Cairo has been disqualified and prevented from answering the exam during the summer semester. He has also been warned of dismissal from the university, reports Al-Shahid daily.

This happened when the university authorities caught a citizen of an unidentified GCC state for answering the exam on behalf of the Kuwaiti.

The GCC citizen has been handed over to police.

So "telephones" are referred to as "exams" in Egypt? I'd presume so, according to this article - But I have no idea why they kicked the guy out of University for answering the phone. See, I've never "answered" an exam in my life - have you? I make this conclusion, of course, based on the fact that actual exams don't talk to you - and thereby give you a reason to "answer" them. Unless, of course, the guy was on acid and the exam actually did start talking to him, in which case - I don't know, it's pretty funny. Also, why has the GCC citizen been handed over to the police? Ok, he got coerced into doing the exam for the Kuwaiti guy - but I'm sure he didn't do out out of selflessness. The Kuwaiti must've threatened him somehow, or something. The Kuwaiti gets kicked out of school, and the other guy gets sent to the police? Unfair, if you ask me.

Anywhere else in the world, the headline (if at all) would have read "GCC Citizen Arrested in Egypt". Surely that's more noteworthy than some fucker flunking school.

Drugs found: Two Kuwaiti citizens, in their twenties and thirties respectively, were arrested for the possession of hashish and pills in Sabahiya on Sunday.

Security officers on patrol duty in the area noticed a vehicle parked in front of a school in a suspicious manner. The officers approached the vehicle but it fled from the spot. After a thirty-minute long chase, they managed to stop the vehicle. A search of the car revealed two fingers of hashish and 13 pills.

Firstly, how the fuck do you determine whether or not a vehicle is "parked suspiciously"? And in Kuwait nonetheless! I challenge the Kuwaiti police to go to Hawalli on a Thursday night and show me which of all of the fucking cars there are parked normally. Secondly, the motherfucker at the Arab Times who wrote this article must be a druggie himself, seeing as, according to his prior knowledge and experience, the search revealed "two fingers" of hashish. What newspaper on earth would say "two fingers" of any drug? Seriously, call the cops on the guy.

Suicide attempted: A Sri Lankan housemaid was admitted to Amiri hospital after a failed attempt to commit suicide in her sponsor’s house in Adaliya.

According to a source, the housemaid, fed up of working for her sponsor, consumed large quantities of soap water in an attempt to end her life. She was referred to the hospital by paramedics and a case was registered.

Really? Soap water? Fucking Soap water? Not Flash, Cif, or Window Cleaner. Not even Dettol. Fucking Soap Water. Bitch just wanted the attention.

One hurt in brawl: A Kuwaiti citizen aged 32 years accused his compatriot of physical assault in Jleeb Al-Shuyoukh on Sunday.

In a case registered at the police station, the man informed security officials that he had taken a vehicle on rent from the other Kuwaiti’s shop but failed to return it on time. When he finally returned the vehicle after a delay of a week, the owner noticed that the car was damaged in several places.

On questioning the borrower, he said that the car had been given to him in the same condition. A heated argument ensued, resulting in the assault of the citizen by the owner of the shop. The victim also brought a medical report as proof of the assault.
What the fuck difference does it make if the guy gets a medical report as proof of the assault, really? What, a black eye can't get a guy arrested anymore?
Sheep stolen from farm: Police are looking for an unidentified person for stealing five sheep from a farm in Jahra, reports Al-Seyassah daily.
According to the guard of the farm the thief stole the animals when he was fast asleep.
Police are investigating.

Who was asleep? Was the thief sleepwalking? And how exactly do you steal five sheep while you're awake, let alone when you're sleepwalking.


Sunday, August 30, 2009

Cinescape have a new strategy...

...which is to replace their nonsensical paragraphs with nonsensical one-liners...

Kandasamy - Tamil (No Arabic Subtitle) : Movie Kandasamy is all about black money, hawala money, Swiss bank accounts and one mans mission to bring it all back to where it belongs…..

What the fuck is "black money"? I know there's a "black money SCAM", which is a "scam where con artists attempt to fraudulently obtain money from a victim by persuading him or her that piles of banknote-sized paper in a trunk or a safe is really money which has been dyed black (e.g. to avoid detection by customs). The victim is persuaded to pay for chemicals to wash the "money" with a promise that he will share in the proceeds."

Ok. So what the fuck is hawala money? And what does it have to do with Swiss bank accounts?

Daddy Cool - Malayalam (No Arabic Subtitle): The story revolves around the bond of a father and his only son who is very passionate about cricket.

And..? Is that it? This sounds like the most boring movie ever. Let me take a shot at it:

So the father is slightly neglectful of his kid. The kid's obsessed with cricket. The father has some work-related problem and doesn't have time for the kid. The father gets fired, then has all this time to spare. He then starts to play cricket with the kid, and they bond. There you are. No need to shell out 2 KD.

Oh, and they dance, probably.

And this from the Arab Times today, which is just plain hilarious...

2 held in "shaking" car: Police have arrested an Egyptian man and a Filipino woman for committing immoral act inside a car in Sabah Al-Salem, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily
The lovers were caught by a police patrol on routine duty in the area. A security source said the patrolmen saw the parked car shaking although no one could be seen from a few meters away.
A police officer walked up to the car and saw the couple in a compromising position.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Fascinating, and true.

By Brandon Griggs

(CNN) -- Facebook, for better or worse, is like being at a big party with all your friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.

There are lots of fun, interesting people you're happy to talk to when they stroll up. Then there are the other people, the ones who make you cringe when you see them coming. This article is about those people.

Sure, Facebook can be a great tool for keeping up with folks who are important to you. Take the status update, the 160-character message that users post in response to the question, "What's on your mind?" An artful, witty or newsy status update is a pleasure -- a real-time, tiny window into a friend's life.

But far more posts read like navel-gazing diary entries, or worse, spam. A recent study categorized 40 percent of Twitter tweets as "pointless babble," and it wouldn't be surprising if updates on Facebook, still a fast-growing social network, break down in a similar way.

Combine dull status updates with shameless self-promoters, "friend-padders" and that friend of a friend who sends you quizzes every day, and Facebook becomes a daily reminder of why some people can get on your nerves.

Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus.

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Maddening Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.