I wish I was a translator...

... because I'd have made millions by now, if only Cinescape had half a brain...

Badal Fakeed (Arabic): The film about the twin brothers where each one of them grew up in a different environment. The first one got a dopted by a lady dancer and lived in a poor area, while the second one was adopted by a good family. The first one grow up to be a drug dealer but the second one became a police officer.

God this one sounds so familiar. Have I mocked it before? Perhaps. Let's have another go.
So they're twins separated at birth. What a simple, simple sentence. One of them's been adopted by a lady dancer (i.e hooker), and the other guy got adopted by a good family. Lo and behold, the two are to confront in a world full of lies and deceit, where the twin brothers are on opposite sides of the law. Who will make it out alive?

Who gives a shit.

Dokan Shehata (Arabic): Shehata is the son of farmer who opened a fruit shop and was named after his son Shehata. Shahata suffering from the influence of his brothers and their bad treatment which end up in tragedy. The film discusses the problems and the bad situations which affected the community.

Hold on. Shehata is the son of farmer who opened a fruit shop and was named after his son Shehata. What the fuck? That makes no sense at all. Are both the father and son named Shehata? The fruit shop is definitely named Shehata. Are these people morons? Then, Shehata (I have no idea which Shehata it is at this point), suffers from the influence and bad treatment of his brothers (who are most probably called Shehata), with everything inevitably ending up in tragedy - with, of course, the staple Egyptian subplot of "discussing" bad situations that are affecting the community - naturally masked by horrendous camera work and below-par soap opera acting.

Also, check out Cinescape's poster for the movie in comparison with the poster above. Notice the big-titted woman. Painfully ironic - or just plain pathetic.

I can't fucking wait.

Porn Education/I love Kuwait

Totally unrelated, but equally amusing...

School warned for showing porn to students

KUWAIT CITY : Department of the Private Education has sent an official warning to a foreign private school for showing some of its students a video containing pornographic material under the pretext of sex education, reports Arrouiah daily.
According to sources, this step by the department had received mixed responses from MPs. While some parliamentarians have demanded the closure of the school, others have approved of the action taken by the department, calling it “adequate and satisfactory”.

Let me begin my unabashed criticism of the above article/actual incident by providing a definition of "pornography" (albeit according to the first online dictionary I could find):

• Main Entry: por·nog·ra·phy
• Function: noun
• Etymology: Greek pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from pornē prostitute + graphein to write; akin to Greek pernanai to sell, poros journey — more at fare, carve
• Date: 1858

1 : the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
2 : material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
3 : the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction pornography of violence>

From this definition we can deduce that a sex education video depicting actual intercourse (such videos exist, of course, in many countries around the globe), cannot be classed as "pornography" because ultimately, their main intention is to educate - and any sexual excitement resulting from the videos is unintentional.

Our friends at the Arab Times, and perhaps the powers that be, may not have spent two minutes on google like I did, and of course may not have found such an explicit (pun intended) definition for porn, and, of course, they jumped all over it like it was Michael Jackson's satan-worship memorial at Marina Beach.

I think the Arab Times should open an investigative reporting department. Oh, wait, they already have one.

In other news:

Most serious traffic violations committed by residents

KUWAIT CITY : According to recent statistics, the most serious traffic violations are committed by resident expatriates, reports Al-Watan Arabic daily.
In a report published by the General Traffic Department, it was seen that 16,603 traffic violations were cited to expatriates in the month of July, while Kuwaiti citizens were issued 5,765 citations.
Security sources added the department would continue its ongoing efforts to bring down the rate of traffic law violations in the country.

This article can be labeled "just plain ridiculous" based on the following facts (yeah, I'm in that kind of mood today):

According to the 2007 national census, the population of Kuwait was estimated to be anywhere in the region of 3 - 3.5 million. Let's compromise and presume that its 3.25 million.

In addition, the census states that approximately 68.4 % of the population are expatriates. Although, in my opinion that figure is a gross underestimate. But whatever, let's play along.

(Getting my calculator out).

That means that 2.223 million are expatriates, and 1.277 million are Kuwaiti. Are you following me?

Naturally, expat traffic violations will exceed Kuwaiti traffic violations simply because expats constitute almost 70 % of the population.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing Kuwaitis and supporting expats, nor am I doing the opposite; I think anyone who fucks around on the road should be given a ticket. However, I think that there is absolutely no good reason for the Arab Times to publish such a useless article. It's not even interesting, like, say an article that states that 72 % of Hardees customers are Kuwaiti. Who gives a shit?

AND, if you do want to mention such useless facts, tell the whole story. One day, not too long ago, I cracked my windscreen. On my way to Shuwaikh, I got 2 tickets for the same cracked windscreen, because apparently I'm not allowed to drive around with one. I even showed the second cop my first ticket, and all I got was a lousy "Mali shughol".

What's the deal, yo?

Also, check out the title of the article. It says that the "most serious" traffic violations are committed by expatriates - then it goes on to give the total number of violations committed by expatriates and Kuwaitis in the month of July. Are there only the "serious" violations, or just the regular ones? Can anyone else see the dumbass ambiguity?

I Heart Cinescape

You've got to love these guys.

This is probably my 50th post about the stupidity of their movie synopsis page, and they persist, like a two legged dog trying to get up a hill. Respect.

This week, playing at a Cinema near you....

Bob Bos (Arabic): The film talks about a businessman, who is known in his community and has a economic and political connections, but he suffered financially due to the economic crisis that crippled the world and he can not pay his debts to the banks. At the same time, there is a business lady called "Mutaza", who also suffers financially, and she unites with the businessman, after the convergence of their interests, and both are trying to get out of this impasse.

This sounds like a fucking business presentation, and the most boring movie ever. How can you mention the financial crisis twice in the same sentence (and three times in a paragraph) and still have the balls to call yourself entertainment? Count. Me. Out.

Love Aaj Kal (Hindi): Synopsis Jai and Meera are modern-day couple living in London. They are very happy together but do not believe in tying each other down. So when life pulls them in different directions, they decide to go with the flow. "These Heer-Ranjha, Romeo-Juliet type Janam janam ka saath type couples exist only in story books", Jai says. In the real life, we have to be practical.

What would be the alternative of a "modern-day couple"? A medieval couple? Also, what the fuck is a heer-ranja, romeo-juliet type janam janam ka saath type couple? Why is there a need to write "type" twice? Is anyone even listening?

Ramadhan Mabrouk Abu Elalamein (Arabic): Arabic language teacher named Ramadan, which plays his role Mohamed Heneidy .. through his relation with school, students and parents to explode many problems, issues and positions with a satirical comedy.

Is he an explosives expert? What the fuck does "explode many problems" mean? Does he aggravate students and cause problems? If so then why is he still a teacher? Is he secret service? What the fuck is going on here?

Omar Wa Salma 2 (Arabic): In this part Salma plays the role as normal every day wife, a different side of her in the first part, while Omar misses old days of bachelorhood which leads him to an emotional relationship with Merhan which she works in his father company but Salma finds out about his relation and she asked for the divorce. Salama asks to move out from thier palce into a new apartment but the new place full of single ladies.

Firstly, that has to be the longest sentence I have ever seen. But you know what, lets give it a chance. So Salma is a normal, everday wife (??). A different side of her in the first part? Do they mean Omar Wa Salma 1 (as I presume there is one, given that this one is a sequel). She was different in the first movie. Ok. In the meantime Omar is missing being single, which leads him to cheat with a slut named Merhan, who works for his dad. Ok. So Salma finds out and asks for a divorce. Cool. Then - wait a minute - they move out from their place into a new apartment but the new place is full of single ladies. (??)

So Salma wants a divorce - why would she want to move ANYWHERE with the cheating scum Omar? And why would their new place be full of single ladies? In what world do these people exist?

Wow I got a little carried away there. Plus, I think that having given away the entire plot in the synopsis and the poster implying a comedy, we can all deduce that Salma will inevitably get over the cheating, and the single ladies (or become friends with them), and they will live happily ever after, or until some fucking moron decides to make "Omar wa Salma 3", at which point I suggest that they both die halfway through the movie. What? It would make an interesting plot-twist.

Don't waste your money.

Top 10 funniest things people Google and end up finding my blog...

No bullshit.

10 - "bad sabah hospital experiences kuwait"

9 - "does ringomax works from kuwait"

8 - "police caught filipina in doha"

7 - "teen crossdressers"

6 - "baby playgroups in kuwait"

5 - "brothels of kuwait"

4 - "kuwait sex blog"

3 - "i got a filipina pregnant in kuwait"

2 - "2007 gang rape or filipina in kuwait"

1 - "prostitutes in kuwait"

DUDE... someone open a bar already...

Sheep, really.

Don't ask where I've been.

2 held in sheep theft: Two Kuwaiti citizens were arrested for stealing sheep from a farm in Jahra, reports Arrouiah daily. The two thieves were traveling in a Suburban and became flustered when security officials stopped their vehicle and asked them for identification. The officers then searched their vehicle and found the sheep. The thieves confessed to their crime and were referred to higher authorities.

How fucking hard is it to find a sheep in a vehicle? Did they actually have to conduct a search? How long did it take them? And did the sheep lie still and motionless the whole time? Was the sheep in on it? I guess we'll never know.

Kuwaiti Held in double murder case: The Criminal Court on Sunday set Sept 6, 2009 to listen to the argument of the defense lawyers in a case filed against a Kuwaiti man, identified as *********, who has been charged with the premeditated murder of his Egyptian wife and mother-in-law. Case files indicate on Aug 18, 2008, the suspect went to the house of his wife’s aunt at the suburb of Ardhiya to pick up his brother-in-law, claiming his mother-in-law wants his son to visit her at her house in Sabah Al-Salem area. Upon arriving at his mother-in-law’s house, the suspect took a Kalashnikov and fired at his wife and her mother. He then turned to his brother-in-law and shot him three times. The latter narrowly escaped death as the suspect missed his target and the gun ran out of ammunition.

After discovering the crime, the suspect’s brother hurried to the scene where he found the old woman still alive. She allegedly told him his brother fired at her and her daughter. He told police that the suspect killed his wife and mother-in-law as he got suspicious of their behavior. However, the suspect’s sister later said that his brother’s suspicions were baseless. The suspect’s eldest brother, who is a police officer, handed him over to the authorities, along with the murder weapon.

Ok, so firstly - where did the guy "take" the Kalashnikov from? Was he hiding it under his seat? A Kalashnikov is a pretty big gun. And the other guy just stood there while his brother in law shot everyone else - THEN shot him. AND he "missed his target", apparently, then he ran out of ammo. I think we need to speak to KNCC about the quality of action film we get here.

And finally...

Doctor Abused, Beaten: A man who was reported to have physically and verbally assaulted a Kuwaiti doctor in Jahra hospital has been taken into custody. Securitymen received information about the incident and rushed to the hospital where the suspect was hiding at the roof. He tried to escape but the officers successfully arrested him. He was referred to the authority concerned for investigation, while the case was registered.

Ok, so I'm going to assume, against my better judgment, that the grammar in this article is flawless. So my assumptions would lead me to believe that there is a bar/club/restaurant/shawerma place called "the roof" - I mean, it would have to be, if he was hiding "AT" the roof, right?

If I assume that the grammar is incorrect (and, consequently, that the guy who wrote it is an idiot), then I shall wonder - Why the fuck did this guy hide on the roof? In what part of his thought process did he think, "hmmm, I think I'll go up to the roof, they won't get me there".

I'm back bitches. No, really this time.

So what have I missed?

Not much, apparently. But don't you worry, I'll catch up on any noteworthy news reports of the past six months (thank God for archives!).. I see the "Kuwait Crime" section is still there on the Arab Times website. God bless them, seriously.

Let's get down to business:

Briton sentenced to ‘life’ in drugs, alcohol case

KUWAIT CITY : The Criminal Court on Sunday sentenced a British man, identified as Timothy Rutherford, to life imprisonment to be followed by deportation for smuggling 49 kilos of hashish and alcohol into the country for trafficking.

Ok, so last time I checked, the Arab Times wouldn't name people involved in crimes. If they did name them, they'd be like "the man was identified as M.S"... going so far as to give initials. But here, they've said the guy's whole name! Wait a minute... is it because he's British? Could be...

Filipina reports Pakistani lover: A Philippine domestic employee of a Kuwaiti family in Doha filed a case in Sulaibikhat Police Station against a Pakistani, claiming that she got pregnant after a long sexual relation with the suspect who promised to marry her. She added that the suspect reneged his on promise and attempted to flee the country when she informed him about the pregnancy. A case has been registered.

I miss this stuff!

Man in trust betrayal: A Kuwaiti woman has filed a complaint with the police accusing a compatriot person of betrayal of trust, reports Al-Shahid daily.
According to the daily the suspect is well-known to the victim and when he needed some money he requested to borrow KD 1,500 from the woman.
The woman reportedly gave the man her ATM card and the latter allegedly returned the ATM card after one week and the woman discovered the man had withdrawn KD 9,000 from her account.

Why the fuck would you give ANYONE your ATM card? And a stranger too! Not like your Mom or your sister or even your cousin. A total fucking stranger! Serves her right!

Pimp held, prostitutes "freed"

Kuwait : Acting on information and armed with a search and arrest warrant, police raided an apartment in Jleeb Al-Shuyoukh and arrested a Bangladeshi pimp and released five housemaids who had been kidnapped and forced into prostitution, reports Al-Rai daily. The daily did not give more details.

Why are there quotation marks around "freed"? Is it sarcasm? It's a first for the Arab times, apparently, and a breakthrough in my opinion. The prostitutes were "freed" from the pimp, only to be "taken in" by the police, "thrown" in prison", and given "long sentences".

Motherfuckers.

Idiots in Kuwait: The Return?

So I'm checking my Statcounter (the thing that counts the number of hits you get), and I found out that I still average around 4-500 people a month. That's 4-500 people who read my blog. I know, I know, it's not much. But still, its alright considering I haven't updated it for over six months now.

So I have decided, based on popular demand, to return "Idiots in Kuwait" to the forefront of mediocre blogs in the country.

Missed me?